Guerilla Sports

Volume 5 - Issue 8 » 15 September 2005 » GuerillaXXXXX Coming Early 2006

• GNEWS : GuerillaXXXXXX Coming Soon
  Concrete Media Lab, the owner of Guerillasports, is currently working on a new Guerilla concept and a new site to be launched early-2006. It will be an open forum for all of you Guerillas In The Midst to show off your creative skills.
  
• The Guerilla Report : GuerillaXXXXXX Coming Soon
  Guerillasports is expanding the Guerilla brand. We're launching a new site & new concept in early-2006. Read on for more info.
  

Volume 5 - Issue 7 » 01 September 2005 » The Vegas I$$ue

• GNEWS : World Series of Video Poker Fails to Gain Traction
  To the dispair of low-rolling blue-hairs everywhere, the World Series of Video Poker tour has yet to achieve the kind of success enjoyed by the World Series of Poker, its younger, wealthier cousin.
  
• GNEWS : NBA Bench Warmer Scours The Palms for Paris Hilton
  Rick Brunson, the journeyman former LA Clipper and new Seattle Supersonic, was spotted this week combing the Palms Hotel and Casino in hopes of hooking up with Paris Hilton.
  
• GNEWS : Brad Penny Prop Bets A Hit at Caesar's Palace
  Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny, fresh off his 'drink a gallon of milk in under an hour' bet with a Florida Marlin batboy, rolled out a new set of wagers at Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas this week.
  
• The Scientist : The Usual Vegas Suspects
  Here's the definitive roster of characters for an epic Bachelor Party In Vegas. See anyone you know?
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : College Football is Back: Bet Wisely
  Old Frank, resident GS bookie, sets up his picks for the 1st weekend of college football betting action.
  
• Field Notes : I Am Haunted By Strippers
  One man in every crew says it: 'No guys, seriously, that stripper really was into me. I swear.' This is his story.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Cavort In Vegas, Support In New Orleans
  De-hyping Kanye West.
  Re-hyping a USC three-peat. Ranking Entourage music. Paying homage to New Orleans.
  

Volume 5 - Issue 6 » 25 August 2005 » The Best Of ...

• GNEWS : Scientists Successfully Clone Sports Anchor
  Clonaid has introduced the first successfully cloned sports anchor, aimed at cost-cutting and quality control in the highly competitive sports news business. Company officials unveiled the first prototype Thursday, code-named Trey Bermascott.
  
• GNEWS : Parcells Waistline A Big Hit At Fashion Week
  Parcells accidentally took a Fashion Week catwalk in NYC, sending Gucci, Prada, Armani scrambling to work his high waistline into Winter lines.
  
• GNEWS : Philly Schools to Teach Booing in First Grade
  One week before most elementary schools open for Fall, the School District of Philadelphia announced plans to introduce booing into first grade curricula. It's the latest innovation that keeps Philadelphia at the forefront of booing progress.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Football Fantasy Options
  Can football Geeking include pulling for the old college alma mater? The Fantasy Geek's intrigued.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Frank's Back
  Frank, crusty old man and resident GS bookie, makes some picks now that football's a couple short weeks away.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Thinking Man's Guide To The Lunch Line
  Competition is most intense when you're hungry. It's kill or be killed in the Hunan Hut lunch line. And Ian is taking no prisoners.
  
• Blasé Faire : The St. Louis Rams Do Not Exist
  Gather around for the seance of St. Louis Rams disavowal. They do not exist, I say. Open your mind. Om mane padme hum.
  

Volume 5 - Issue 5 » 18 August 2005 »

• GNEWS : Bush Gets New Big Wheel for Ride With Armstrong
  In preparation for his weekend ride with Lance Armstrong, President Bush defied Karl Rove's orders by selecting a new Big Wheel to ride alongside the Tour de France champion. Sources said the decision may ruin the administration's best publicity stunt since Bush's January inaguration.
  
• GNEWS : Interview: Moss Blows Smoke About T.O., Tom Brady, NorCal Grass
  Journalists and the NFL have been fuming since Oakland Raider Randy Moss said he used marijuana. So he sat down with Guerilla Sports to clear the air. The Moss of old talks about GQ pretty boy Tom Brady, smoke-blowing rival receiver Terrell Owens, and playing "on" California grass.
  
• GNEWS : ESPN Hollywood 'Discovers' Eva Longoria
  In only its first week, ESPN's new sports and entertainment talk show, ESPN Hollywood, scored a major coup by discovering an actress named Eva Longoria, who reportedly dates a San Antonio Spur point guard named Tony Parker.
  
• Field Notes : Partying Is My Favorite Sport
  Ian is victorious in a summer partying session. Chugging contests, dope smoking on Haight/Ashbury, and buying wine from a bum.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Long Live the King
  Seattle pitching phenom Felix Hernandez has got the Geek all misty-eyed.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Wedding (Offensive Board) Crashers
  A cadre of punctual groomsmen can't resist an all-out Nerf basketball session. Yes, it's extremely hot in here.
  

Volume 5 - Issue 4 » 11 August 2005 » Gladdened By Madden

• GNEWS : Chicks Bemoan Debut of Madden 'O6
  A coalition of chicks, known as the Association of Broads that Complain (ABC), let out a collective, concerted and totally unsurprising chorus of bitching when EA Sports released the latest version of its popular Madden Football '06 video game.
  
• GNEWS : POLL: 'Brain Dead Caribbeans' Actually Brain Dead
  When KNBR-AM sports radio host Larry Krueger was fired for his on-air reference to San Francisco Giants' "brain-dead Caribbean hitters," we went to the Caribbean to ask people what they thought of this alleged racism. Their responses indicate they didn't think much. About anything.
  
• The Scientist : But Occifer, I Never Drank Any Beer
  A fable shows how to beat a drunk driving rap by doing what Baltimore Oriole Rafael Palmeiro does.
  
• Firecross : Terrell Owens: Primo Dominator or Prima Donna?
  The Scientist says the Eagles can't win a Super Bowl without Owens, and that he inspires people to rebel against The Man. Ian Walter says Belichick didn't need a prima donna star to crush the Eagles last year, and that all people need to do to rebel is follow his phony expense report advice. Read the full debate.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Video (Game) Visions
  On this Madden '06 holy week, our guest columnist reminisces about past video game dominance.
  
• The Guerilla Report : We Guerilla Report, You Decide
  Kenny Rogers, Deuce Bigelow, T.O., Madden '06. Plus Foo Fighters & Entourage music spoiler on The Playlist.
  

Volume 5 - Issue 3 » 04 August 2005 » The Big Media Issue

• GNEWS : Exclusive: ESPN's Bill Simmons Loves Shawshank Redemption
  In a move that surprised no one who's read two or more of his columns, Bill Simmons announced in his ESPN.com column Wednesday that The Shawshank Redemption is his favorite film of all time.
  
• GNEWS : Jim Rome Heads to Central America for Emergency Goatee Surgery
  While legions of disappointed fans across the U.S. endured a spate of guest hosts this week on The Jim Rome Radio Show, the namesake host slipped out of the country for an emergency procedure to repair his patented pudding ring goatee.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Classic: Beavis and Collinsworth to Debut on Fox Sports
  Fox Sports today announced plans for "Beavis and Collinsworth," a football highlights show. They will analyze the NFL, the latest hard rock videos, and go on ill-fated adventures to score chicks.
  
• Firecross : Stephen A: Awesome or Asshole?
  GS columnists debate media phenom Stephen A. Smith. The next Chris Berman, or just a Stuart Scott clone?
  
• The Guerilla Report : The Playlist, v2.0
  Due to popular demand, we're turning the G-Report's music segment up a notch.
  
• The Scientist : Me and Premium Cable Television
  Thank You HBO, Showtime and Other Premium Channels Whose Names I Cannot Immediately Recall.
  

Volume 5 - Issue 2 » 28 July 2005 » 50 Styles In 50 Ways

• GNEWS : Bush Gives Valtrexiburton $300b To Secure Ron Mexico Border
  Even with the Karl Rove scandal still scorching like a case of untreated herpes, President Bush unexpectedly announced plans to allocate $300 billion in federal funds to secure the border between Ron Mexico and the U.S., saying the safety of NFL groupies and fans depends on it.
  
• GNEWS : TV Watchers Speak Out On AbLounge, Bowflex Infomercials
  With endless BowFlex and AbLounge ads disrupting people's TV watching Zen nationwide, we took to the streets to ask how they felt about these ads, fitness, and couch surfing. Here's what they had to say.
  
• GNEWS : No Yanks Show Up for ARod's 30th Birthday Party
  When New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez planned a blow out for his 30th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, he was counting on his teammates to come out and have a good time. Unfortunately for ARod, not a single teammate showed up.
  
• The Scientist : The Deal World
  MLB trade deadline deals viewed through MTV's Real World lens. Who will be the 7 strangers picked to live in a (new) house?
  
• Fantasy Geek : Traitor to the Nation
  Has the Fantasy Sports Geek become a self serving son of a bitch? He reports, you decide.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Sex, Money and Sports
  Why male existence can be reduced to the pursuit of money, sex and handpicked music downloads.
  

Volume 5 - Issue 1 » 21 July 2005 » Voluminous

• GNEWS : Rosenhaus Negotiates TV Deal to Re-Tell Poolside Rescue Story
  When kingpin sports agent Drew Rosenhaus plucked a four-year-old from a pool and saved the boy's life with CPR Tuesday, it was a brief reprieve from his routine of gouging NFL GMs for clients like Terrell Owens. But now he's agressively negotiating a TV deal to cash in on his heroics.
  
• GNEWS : Steinbrenner Calls in Coach Buttermaker
  With a $200 million payroll not enough to carry his club into a divisional battle, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner said he will replace Joe Torre with Morris Buttermaker, coach of the Bears, a California youth league team. He dismissed reporters' claims that Buttermaker was fictional.
  
• GNEWS : Bonds Uses Downtime to Become Bigger Dick
  In addition to rehabilitating his injured knee, SF Giants outfielder Barry Bonds is using his longer-than-expected downtime to refine his abilities to treat people like crap.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Foos Fever
  ESPN's foosball coverage this week reminds Ian of his Top Five All-Time greatest foosball competitions.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Time To Do Your Football Homework
  Resident bookie Frank talks about getting ready for his most wonderful time of year: football season.
  
• The Guerilla Report : It's Not Show Friends, It's Show Business
  'Hating on God' with T.O. New Pistons coach better D up. Tribe Called Quest ponders the color of Turd De Lance.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 12 » 14 July 2005 » Hot Blooded ... Check It and See

• GNEWS : Texas Rangers Institute Rogers Roaster Warning System
  In response to their pitcher's June 29 media attack which sent one cameraman to the hospital, the Texas Rangers have rolled out the Kenny Rogers Roaster Warning System. The color-coded mood scale will ensure reporter safety and provide news hooks for the remainder of the season.
  
• GNEWS : No Friends For Matthew Perry Backstage At ESPYs
  ESPY host Matthew Perry was all sly quips and boyish charm on stage. But our ESPYonage reveals that Friends were non-existent backstage, as the sitcom star was ruthlessly bullied and ridiculed by everyone from Danica Patrick to Turtle from Entourage.
  
• GNEWS : Bizarre Love Triangle: Billy Crystal, Bob Costas, Mickey Mantle
  After the premiere of HBO's biopic on New York Yankee legend Mickey Mantle, a brawl almost broke out between comedian Billy Crystal and sportscaster Bob Costas over which man was more in love with the former Bronx Bomber. Guerilla Sports mediated the debate.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Let's Hug It Out Bitch, Part 2
  Our Entourage apology. ESPY overview. Tour De Chance on the wedding circuit. U.S. Air Guitar Finals. And this Week's Soundtrack.
  
• Blasé Faire : In Search of the Szabo
  The quest for a beer vendor artifact becomes the top priority of the summer for a nostalgic Angel fan.
  
• Fantasy Geek : The Geek's Midseason Report Card
  Doling out the grades after a half season of fantasy baseball, the high geek pulls no punches.
  
• Field Notes : State of The Revolution
  Besides publishing every Thursday, here's what else is going at Guerilla Sports.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 11 » 16 June 2005 » We Love This Game

• GNEWS : Stern Unveils Dick Bavettabot to Save Pistons, Extend NBA Finals
  Seeking to ensure his low-rated Finals series goes the distance, NBA Commissioner David Stern unveiled the new Dick Bavettabot, a miniature NBA referee programmed to make bad calls that ensure a seventh game.
  
• GNEWS : Hooters Becomes Official Supplier of Wives to Major League Baseball
  Longtime unofficial supplier of brides to Major League ballplayers, chicken wing king Hooters made the arrangement official by inking a ten year deal to provide all MLB rookies with their own orange hot pant-wearing wife.
  
• GNEWS : John Madden Barks Like A Dog For Five Dollar Bill
  Football commentator, and fan of generous compensation, John Madden barked like a dog for fifteen seconds on Wednesday to secure an extra five extra dollars as part of his deal to join NBC after the 2005-06 season.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Souled Out
  Have they Sold Out or are they Souled Out: Batman, Phil Jackson, Mos Def, Steinbrenner, John Madden, and more.
  
• Fantasy Geek : A Minute in the Life
  Fasten your seatbelts as you hurtle through the crackling synapses of the Geeking mind.
  
• The Scientist : Kobe's Better Than Wade?
  A GS reader lays out a strong case for Kobe being better than Dwayne Wade. We respond.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 10 » 09 June 2005 » You Didn't Know That Though

• GNEWS : 49ers PR Director Releases Publicists Gone Wild DVD
  Seeking to capitalize on notoriety from a racy internal video that was leaked to the public, embattled San Francisco 49ers PR director Kirk Reynolds announced Thursday the release of Publicists Gone Wild, a DVD with various sports media relations executives bearing all.
  
• GNEWS : Microscopic Ratings from ESPN's Cold Pizza Used to Map Human Genomes
  ESPN thought Cold Pizza would change the morning talk show world forever. Instead, the program revolutionized the scientific world with ratings metrics so low that scientists now use them to measure microscopic sub-atomic particles.
  
• GNEWS : City League Hoops Title Capped with Celebratory White Man's Overbite
  After defeating the defending champion Shakey's Pizza squad in a tightly contested championship hoops game, Bill Lewiston of the Akron Tire Chargers celebrated with a White Man's Overbite dance that is now the talk of Akron.
  
• The Scientist : Small Acts by Big Men Lead to Rings
  When the Spurs win the title this year, one key player won't be getting a shoe deal. Who is he?
  
• The Guerilla Report : Let's Hug It Out Bitch
  Jeremy Piven saves Entourage. A-Rod cries tears of joy. Mike Tyson and Kid Rock versus Eva Longoria and Sublime.
  
• Fantasy Geek : The Crisis Du Jour
  Three fantasy sports Geeks have too much free time, and a crisis of sorts ensues.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 9 » 02 June 2005 » Stay Cool & Have A Rad Summer

• GNEWS : Jeter's Inner Monologue Therapy: I Know You're Checking Out My Ass
  Shortly after Alex Rodriguez credited psychotherapy sessions for helping his game, Yankee teammate Derek Jeter revealed that he too has benefitted from years of Inner Monologue therapy. Here are excerpts from last week's series versus the Boston Red Sox.
  
• GNEWS : Spelling Bee Champ's Yearbook Only Signed by Teachers, Bullies
  John Tamplin had enough letters to dominate the 78th Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee, but learned that real champions need enough words in their yearbook. Here's a look at well-wishing from teachers and hostilities from bullies who hijacked the speller's yearbook.
  
• GNEWS : Advertisers Unaware Peyton Manning Ain't Won Sh!t
  Ad executives from General Motors came to a startling revelation this week when they realized that potential pitchman Peyton Manning has never won a single championship at any serious level of competition.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : The Stupidest Things People Get Competitive About
  People compete about everything from NBA Finals matchups to who works the most. Here's the worst of the worst.
  
• The Guerilla Report : HBO's Entourage Is Swingers Lite
  Do you really need a show about dudes partying to teach you and your crew how to party?
  
• Fantasy Geek : Fantasy Wheeling, Dealing, and Squealing
  Everyone plays a role in the collection reaction of trades. Here's the cast of characters and their characteristics.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Frank Puts the Chill on the Heat
  Last week, old Frank took it on the chin, now he returns with NBA picks to get him on the road to redemption.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 8 » 26 May 2005 » Indypendent

• GNEWS : KITT Beats General Lee, Red Dragon In Indy 500 Celebrity Race
  In a celebrity exhibition race ahead of the 2005 Indianapolis 500, KITT from Knight Rider and the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard tied for first. The General Lee and Frank The Tank's Red Dragon were then disqualified, setting off a firestorm of controversy.
  
• GNEWS : Iverson's New Reality Show: The Posse Apprentice
  Now that his basketball season is over, Philadelphia hoopster Allen Iverson has announced plans to launch his own reality show, a contest where 'thug smart' and 'club smart' contestants attempt to become a member of his posse, Cru Thik.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Classic: Bill Walton's Voice Proves Effective On Soap Scum
  Scientists have discovered that NBA commentator Bill Walton's voice is more effective on soap scum than Tilex or Comet, however marketing the product is questionable due to side effects like earaches, nausea and irritability.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Grade A Badass-ery
  Who are the biggest sports and TV badasses this week? Hint: Jerry Rice, Donald Trump and Ricky Williams didn't make the list.
  
• Blasé Faire : The Playoffs Are Dead To Me
  With the Lakers out, I'd rather watch Nash Bridges than Nash; rather re-play San Andreas than San Antonio highlights.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Basking in Playoff Wager Glory
  Old Frank's picks went 4-0 last week, and he's thinking about letting it all ride on the Suns vs. Spurs game.
  
• Fantasy Geek : The Golden Fleece
  The Geek's all ornery about a lopsided fantasy trade that went down just before press time.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 7 » 19 May 2005 » The Star Wars Issue

• GNEWS : Raider Fans Build Death Star in Mom's Basement
  Seeking to exact revenge on the Denver Broncos and the rest of the National Football League this Fall, Oakland Raider fans began constructing their very own Death Star in their mom's basement this week. Here's their story.
  
• GNEWS : Anakin Uses the Force of the Whizzinator
  A long time ago, in a urine vial far, far away, a young would-be Jedi thought he could utilize performance enhancing drugs to help elevate things, and do other tricks to look cool. So began this journey to the dark side.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Interview: Lando Calrissian Becomes Sports Agent
  His reign as emperor of Cloud City a distant memory, Lando Calrissian is now a sports agent alongside power-agent Drew Rosenhaus. Looking glorious with his cape-suit and sculpted half-fro, Calrissian sat down with Guerilla Sports to talk about the career change.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Tale of the Tape(d) Glasses
  Among society's greatest minds, who gets the most chicks and money? Fantasy Sports Geek or Star Wars Geek?
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : More Hoops, Less Nerds
  When there's money to be made by betting on playoff hoops, crusty old Frank's got no time for being a Star Wars nerd.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : The Star Wars Wars
  Choose your side: Princess Leia or Amidala? X-Wing or Tie-Fighter? Trilogy 1 or Trilogy 2. And more.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Mavericks See Dark Side of Sun
  If Stockton/Malone was The Empire Strikes Back then Nash/Stoudemire is definitely Attack of the Clones.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 6 » 12 May 2005 » Medium Rarity

• GNEWS : LeBron Agent Change Signals Onset of Piss-Poor Rap Albums
  Now that LeBron James has terminated his agents Aaron and Eric Goodwin, he must wait at least 15 days before hiring new representation. But how long will fans be safe from King James' inevitable foray into crappy rap albums?
  
• GNEWS : Johnny Knoxville Passes Jackass Torch to Kellen Winslow
  Fresh off his death-defying motorcycle stunts and unsure about his NFL future, Kellen Winslow, Jr. announced his starring role in MTV Films' Jackass II. Jackass creator Johnny Knoxville won't be involved due to newfound A-List status, but endorsed Winslow as 'the ultimate jackass'.
  
• GNEWS : ESPN Demotes Stuart Scott From His Dream Job To Game Show Host
  Stuart Scott bounced back from his last beef with ESPN, but the network again pulled him from its coveted SportsCenter desk to host another game show. Now the original studio gangster returns to Guerilla Sports to tell his side of the story.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Playoff-Caliber TV Shows
  Let's see how the last four NBA playoff series compare to the four best shows on network TV: Alias, 24, The OC, The Office.
  
• The Scientist : LeBron: Leave Your Game To The Pros
  Was LeBron's move one made by a King, or merely a prince? Will he be the next MJ, or just another TMac or Kobe?
  
• Field Notes : The Lyrics Born Experience
  Airtight funk flows on second Lyrics Born album save us from Jay-Z's quest for the next rappin' Ron Artest.
  
• Firecross : Beavis Speaks
  A digital Beavis hacked into our system, but we're just leaving him alone before he burns the whole joint down.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 5 » 05 May 2005 » A Plethora of Pinatas

• GNEWS : Steinbrenner Changes Yankee Stadium Name to Jurassic Park
  Seeking to motivate the team's aging roster and capitalize on the popularity of prehistoric dinosaurs, the New York Yankees announced on Wednesday plans to change the name of Yankee Stadium to Jurassic Park.
  
• GNEWS : Terrell Owens, Runaway Bride to Help Others Avoid Commitment
  Having demonstrated a shared affinity for reneging on commitments, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens and famed Georgia runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks have joined forces to launch a series of products aimed at helping others 'change their minds.'
  
• GNEWS : Kuato Van Gundy Emerges, Moves for Total Recall of Stern
  Free your mind, David Stern. Or so says a mutant known as Kuato (last seen in the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle, Total Recall). Kuato, it is being reported, is the third Van Gundy brother, and leader of a rebellion dead set on bringing decent officiating to the playoffs.
  
• Fantasy Geek : The Halls of Justice ... Not David
  Jury duty shows the Geek justice is a dish best served. Wait, Dave Justice? Is he coming back, and is he on waivers now...?
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : The NBA, It's Franktastic
  Frank sees dead people - dead presidents he's gonna win with his basketball picks.
  
• Field Notes : New Orleans Jazz Festival Recap
  All the stoned, drunk tales of the funk will be here - with pictures - on Friday May 6. Not quite revovered yet.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 4 » 28 April 2005 » Ancient As The Time On Your Wrist

• GNEWS : Rocky, Clubber Lang Rematched on The Contender
  After taking it on the chin with ratings, creators of NBC’s The Contender have unleashed plans to toss Sylvester Stallone and Sugar Ray Leonard in the ring Sunday for a surprise special episode. Sly will reprise his Rocky role to fight Clubber Lang, preceded by Leonard taking on Ivan Drago.
  
• GNEWS : Breaking GNEWS: San Diego Chicken Choked
  The beloved San Diego Chicken was choked at approximately 5:00 p.m. last evening. The choking of the chicken has left residents of the normally peaceful beach community scared and uncertain about the fate of their city mascot.
  
• GNEWS : Redskins' Snyder Puts Draft Report Card on Refrigerator
  When Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder saw that Sports Illustrated writer Peter King gave his team a C+ for their 2005 NFL Draft results, he promptly printed out the story put it up on his refrigerator at home.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Jimmy Kimmel, ESPN Endorse Guerilla Sports
  Kimmel said on ESPN.com that the sports behemoth shouldn't talk about us. Which is exactly why people are talking about us.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Thursday and Friday NBA Betting Action
  Just like a Vegas buffet, this NBA playoff season has a little of everything. Now old Frank calls the action for a few key games.
  
• The Guerilla Report : How About 10 Bright, Crisp, Clean, Pure Budweisers?
  New album from Lyrics Born. Colin Powell at Indy 500. Sly's men's mag. Save Garner from Affleck. A-Rod's true legacy. And ice cold Bud.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Winding Up The Watch
  You look at your wrist and let it remind you that not a single trade's been made, and time's running out.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 3 » 21 April 2005 » Calm as a Quaalude

• GNEWS : White Smoke Signals X-Gamers Officially High, Hungry
  A plume of white smoke exited the chimney at a lodge in Mammoth, California late yesterday afternoon, signaling that the X-Games snowboarders residing inside were officially high, and in need of at least two dozen meat lovers pizzas from Pizza Hut.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Interview: Mel Kiper Has No Life
  NFL draft prognosticator Mel Kiper shares the intimate details of his annual post-draft abyss. And you thought your life was sad.
  
• GNEWS : India Trades Kazmir to Pakistan in Fantasy Shocker
  In a blockbuster deal with ramifications across central Asia and beyond, India traded Tampa Bay Devil Ray starting pitcher Scott Kazmir to Pakistan as part of a 5-player deal in the Nuclear Fantasy League Wednesday.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Hoops Playoff Primer
  The playoffs are finally here, and Frank's got the jones to make some bones.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Getting Kind Of Drafty In Here
  NFL draft reaches Fever Pitch. Red Sox officials show liberal bias. 24's Jack Bauer tortures Stuart Scott. New Orleans Jazz Fest preview.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Going, Going, Gone
  A sudden departure leaves the Angry Geeks one short of a dozen.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 2 » 14 April 2005 » Serious Booze-ness

• GNEWS : IRS Grants Shaq Residency in Key
  The Internal Revenue Service confirmed Wednesday that Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal has successfully claimed The Key on the basketball court as his primary residence on his 2004 tax return
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Exclusive: WNBA Opens Draft To Any Woman Who's 'A Player'
  In it's struggle for marketability, the WNBA changed the draft policy to allow non-basketball players into Saturday's draft. From Martha Stewart to Angelina Jolie, here's our Mock Draft to predict how things will play out.
  
• GNEWS : NBA Players Glad Long Preseason Is Drawing to a Close
  Now that the 82 game post preseason is coming to an end, NBA players are putting aside the stamps they used to mail in games and are focusing for games that finally count.
  
• The Scientist : The Arts of Krafts and Crafts
  With last football season a memory and next season part of the future, the Scientist mulls his ying and yang.
  
• The Guerilla Report : The Artest Of Time
  Shaq's revenge. Mark Cuban's tantrums. Ron Artest's and Mike Tyson's brawls. Wrigley's fan loyalty. Jane's Addiction drinks Coors Light.
  
• Fantasy Geek : 12 Angry Geeks - Draft Recap
  The 12 Angry Geeks made their picks, the season' s started, and now it's time for a look at the draft.
  

Volume 4 - Issue 1 » 07 April 2005 » Que Onda Guero

• GNEWS : NFL Scouts Intrigued by Legend of Ron Mexico
  An outbreak of whispers among NFL scouts about a prospect named Ron Mexico has spread like an epidemic throughout the league. Speculation about the young QB's blistering speed has sent his name soaring up NFL draft boards.
  
• GNEWS : Lakers Leave Season Early, Beat Traffic
  Emulating their arrive-late, leave-early fans, the Los Angeles Lakers left the 2004-05 season early Thursday, beating the traffic by departing Staples Center during a third-quarter timeout in their game against the Houston Rockets.
  
• GNEWS : PGA Players: Golf Groupies Not On Par With Elin Nordegren
  While PGA faithful try to predict who might don the hideous green Masters jacket this weekend, PGA players are trying to figure out why they're saddled with heinous old ladies for groupies and not blond supermodels.
  
• Smog : Sun Zoo: The Arte of War
  Angel owner Arte Moreno has southland baseball in the palm of his hand. The gathered media react.
  
• The Guerilla Report : I Said Lady ... Step Inside My Hyundai
  The hero’s quest: Michael Vick’s comeback. David Ortiz & Jeter’s walk-off runs. Kobe’s fall. Beck’s return to grace. UNC’s class act.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Geek Overload
  Basketball playoffs and 100-round baseball drafts, these are the times that try The Geek.
  
• Field Notes : Fever Bitch
  Ian's anger reaches fever pitch as Fever Bitch enters its final publicity push. Here's his 2 cents. That’s all the Farrelly Bros are gonna' get.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : The Blogging Illini, Part 3
  After his NCAA finals road trip, our Blogging Illini returns to Chicago with a noble loss and neverending memories. Here's the wrap.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 12 » 31 March 2005 » Asterisk Nation*

• GNEWS : 12 Angry Geeks to Chronicle Fantasy Baseball Season on GS
  In a new Fantasy Geek series, GS takes you inside this year's fantasy baseball league, with all its established archetypes and requisite insults. Yeah, it's pretty much like your league ... 12 Angry Geeks obsessing over trade offers, clogging email inboxes and generally testing the bounds of decency.
  
• GNEWS : Major League Balls Shrinking
  As the Red Sox and Yankees prepare to launch the MLB 2005 season Sunday night, baseball followers from ESPN to Capitol Hill believe the game’s real controversy is not steroids but rather the shrinking of the league's balls.
  
• GNEWS : Fantasy GM Desperately Rationalizes Autodrafted Team
  After an alleged 'work function' forced him to auto draft in the 12 Angry Geeks fantasy baseball league, team owner Noah Mansland was engaged in hardcore rationalization Wednesday morning as he surveyed the wreckage wrought by Hurricane Yahoo.
  
• Field Notes : Hip Hop: The Most Guerilla Sport of All
  Ian reviews a new book on hip hop history, and discusses why music is as much of a religion and pastime as sports.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Score at The Final Four
  College hoops winds down, but Frank's all wound up. Check out who the old betting guru likes this weekend.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : The Blogging Illini, Part 2.5
  Our Illini blogger is Flyin' high going into the NCAA's Final Four. Check out Old Style flows from his spacious Chicago cubicle.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 11 » 24 March 2005 » The Bowling Issue

• GNEWS : Jacko, Quintana to Coach Youth Bowling Team
  Accused pederasts Michael Jackson and Jesus Quintana have teamed up for a community service project aimed at preemptively silencing their critics. For the next six weeks, the duo will help Los Angeles Boy Scout Troop 34's bowling team prep for a youth league tournament in Jacko's private alley.
  
• GNEWS : Broken Nacho Machine Puts League Night In The Gutter
  Perhaps no amenity at SilverStreak Lanes is more important than the vintage nacho machine giving bowlers mounds of chips covered with a river of golden delicious Cheese Product. A nacho machine whose untimely demise has thrown SilverStreak’s league night into a holy uproar.
  
• GNEWS : Pin Shaving Scandal Rocks PBA Tour
  The Pro Bowlers Association has long fashioned itself as promoter of a family sport as wholesome and American as apple pie and Fox News. That all changed yesterday when allegations of pin shaving tainted the game worse than a mustard stain on a brand new work shirt.
  
• The Guerilla Report : In The Parlance Of Our Times
  Barry Bonds' new movie: Mr. 2005. Memo to Bruce Willis. The Office, aka Office Space II. Queens of The Stone Age return.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : The Blogging Illini, Part 2
  Ongoing NCAA Tourney coverage from our Flyin' Illini blogger. Old Style flows about DirectTV heaven and Midwest girls gone wild.
  
• Blasé Faire : I'm The Dude, So That's What You Call Me
  Preeminent slacker of his time, The Dude, pens some ins, outs and what-have-yous for Guerilla Nation.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Keep Rolling Strikes, Kid
  Old Frank went 5-3 on NCAA Tourney picks last week. Now here's his five locks for this weekend. And a special pick from his nephew.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 10 » 17 March 2005 » Bracketelligence-ology

• GNEWS : Indiana Names Keady Combover State Treasure
  As the 2005 NCAA Men's Hoops Tournament kicked off Thursday, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels announced plans to honor legendary Purdue coach Gene Keady's retirement by officially recognizing his combover as a state treasure.
  
• GNEWS : Dick Vitale Named New Duke Information Minister
  ESPN basketball analyst Dick Vitale has long extolled the virtues of Duke University's hoops program and its coach Mike Krzyzewski. Today the university removed all pretense of objectivity by installing him as Duke's new Information Minister.
  
• GNEWS : Cincinnati Hoopster Accidentally Enrolls In Real Class
  Cincinnati head coach Bob Huggins suspended a freshman player for accidentally enrolling in a legitimate academic class for the Spring term. Inside sources say it could derail the team as they head into the tournament.
  
• The Scientist : The Madness Scientist's Theory of Bracketivity
  A guest Scientist proves that top-seed-picking ESPN cowards and intuition are no match for dispassionate facts and a good computer model.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : The Blogging Illini
  Throughout the NCAA tourney, our guest Chicago blogger rants about Flyin' Illini, beer guzzling alumni, and Midwestern girls gone wild.
  
• Fantasy Geek : The NCAA Tourney: Mother Of All Fantasy Games
  As the NCAA tournament commences, let's honor this spectacle and miracle that helped fantasy geekdom become what it is today.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Las Vegas Money Makin'
  March means it's time for business. Serious business. So look into Frank's crystal ball, junior. Then place your bets.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 9 » 03 March 2005 » Coldest Tasting Site In The World

• GNEWS : Snoop Teaches Youth Footballers About Bitches, Hos
  Even with the NFL and college football seasons finished, youngsters are still playing full-tilt. And thanks to Snoop Dogg, they're learning the game's valuable life lessons such as: keeping your bitch in check, slanging rock, and living life like a gangsta.
  
• GNEWS : GS Exclusive: Terms of Kobe Settlement Revealed
  Kobe Bryant and his Colorado accuser came to a settlement this week, ending a two-year fiasco that lined the pockets of many eager Jacobies. The Smoking Guerilla Exclusive reveals the 10 most critical terms of the deal.
  
• GNEWS : Ex-Raider Romanowski Opens Brawling Trial with a Brawl
  Retired NFL linebacker Bill Romanowski, on trial for giving a career-ending beat-down to Oakland Raider teammate Marcus Williams, became enraged while being sworn in today and began a courtroom-wide assault. Raider fans in attendance offered support, touching off a full-scale rumble.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Got More Suits Than Jacoby & Myers
  Romo in The O, Ryan in The OC on a punching spree. Mike Tyson fights the courts. Willie Nelson on ESPN. Beastie Boys re-write the law.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Eternal Darkness of the Geeking Mind
  Early March is here and it's madness for the Geek, and not the brand that involves basketballl.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 8 » 24 February 2005 » Like A Splinter In Your Mind

• GNEWS : Shawn Kemp Living in Constant Fear of No Child Left Behind Act
  Former NBA star Shawn Kemp has gone into hiding after mistakenly believing that George Bush's No Child Left Behind Act was legislation designed to chase down deadbeat dads.
  
• GNEWS : Oscar Mayer to Unveil Anabolic Dogs at Major League Ballparks
  Oscar Mayer announced plans Wednesday for the new Anabolic Dog, a freakishly inflated version of the traditional ballpark frank, complete with a quarter-cycle of anabolic steroids.
  
• GNEWS : Is Bledsoe Final Nail in Parcells' Coaching Coffin?
  What do you get when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? When the unstoppable force is a coach that can't be convinced to just quit, and the immovable object is a quarterback that can't get out of his own way, you've got a Bill Parcells and Drew Bledsoe reunion.
  
• Field Notes : Hunter Thompson's Golden Age Begins Now
  Ian explains how HST pioneered a media style that's only now being validated by outfits like The Daily Show & The Onion.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Friendship in a Time of Geek
  An introspective Geek ponders the meaning of friendship. Support, compassion and listening be damned. He just cares about good trade advice.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Flashing Like A Japan Tourist
  Flashy Oscars. Catty women. Raider fans riot for joy about Moss. Usher joins NBA. J5 handles the tunes. Parcells makes a 'Jap play'.
  
• The Scientist : Hey, I Like Your Hat
  For Red Sox fans, everywhere they look there's always something there to remind them.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 7 » 17 February 2005 » Huge In Belgium

• GNEWS : Favreau, Vaughn To Play Cancelled NHL Season on Sega Genesis
  Immediately after the NHL season was cancelled, actors Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau announced plans to play an entire season of NHL hockey on EA Sports' NHL'93 for Sega Genesis. Public access channels will air their tournament, and award the winner a Stanley Cup replica during a two-hour Swingers Relived finale.
  
• GNEWS : Moonshine Ultra NASCAR Swerves Into Daytona 500
  Now that the NASCAR liquor ad ban is lifted, an old friend of the sport is making a splash at this weekend's Daytona 500. Cooter's Moonshine will sponsor Rusty Wallace's car with its new product Uncle Cooter's Moonlight Ultra.
  
• GNEWS : Special Investigation: NCAA Hoops Tourney Already Affecting Productivity
  With the NCAA men's basketball tournament one month away, a Guerilla Sports study revealed that scores of young professionals are already giving up work for the next six weeks, but still plan to prepare using their corporate resources.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
  NBA All Star brawl replaces NHL. Jacko's & Kobe's courtroom Thriller. Kerouac's scroll. Giambi On The Road to relapse. I Max minimized.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Feeling the Need for Feed
  If Michael Jordan's heaven is a playground, The Geek's heaven is the live feed update.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 6 » 10 February 2005 » Sexual Technology

• GNEWS : Longest Yard Stars 'Throw Like Girls,' Jeopardize Ticket Sales
  Longest Yard producer Barry Gale thought he faced his biggest challenge when he saw Sean P. Diddy Combs 'throwing like a girl' on the set of Any Given Sunday. But that was before the Longest Yard casting director passed him Chris Rock and Adam Sandler.
  
• GNEWS : Stradivari Raised From Dead to Play Knicks' Thomas
  When New York Knicks GM Isaiah Thomas visited Europe to find the next marshmallow-soft Euro to warm the end of his team's bench, he thought the brutal New York press corps couldn't play him from there. Thomas, for the 10,000th time in his off-court career, was dead wrong.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS INTERVIEW: Ozzie Canseco Tries To Talk About His New Book
  With his brother Jose grabbing the national spotlight with a tell all book about raging 'roid use in baseball, Ozzie Canseco once again follows in his twin brother's footsteps by penning a tell-nothing book of his own.
  
• Field Notes : Turn Heat Down For Valentine's Day
  Even if 'Vegas and the Super Bowl cleaned you out,' you must still give your lady a good VD this Monday. Here’s how to do it cheap.
  
• Blasé Faire : Disc Golf on the Path to Enlightenment
  It's the perfect blend of golf and disc, sport and Zen. Our itinerant slacker learns the game at the foot of the master.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Killing Time Between Super Bowl & March Madness
  NFL wrap. Worst Simpson’s Ever. Hallmark/NBA tour of terror. Miami Vice movie. College hoops betting. This Week’s Sountrack.
  
• Fantasy Geek : The Noodler Strikes (Out) Again
  When you're bored at work, bad fantasy trades can become a reality.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 5 » 03 February 2005 » Smokeabowl XXXIX

• GNEWS : Dazed, Confused Stoners Await Return of Bud Bowl
  As millions of football fans await Super Bowl kick off, stoners worldwide are scraping pipes and watering bongs in preparation for Bud Bowl. While Budweiser's ad campaign of the same name has been off the air for years, an annual rumor claims the game will be recreated and played with puffy, green nuggets of so-called "chronic" marijuana.
  
• GNEWS : Rudy T. and Emmitt Smith Arrest Retirement in New Buddy Cop Show
  The retirement plans of Rudy Tomjanovich and Emmitt Smith changed in a hurry when the duo was offered starring roles in CBS's new buddy cop show "Emmitt & Rudy T: Crimebusters."
  
• GNEWS : Mom's Station Wagon Salts Game of Winter X-Gamer
  With the Winter X Games wrapped up, several competitors were discovered to have missed the games due to the ill-timed breakdown of a wood paneled station wagon carrying ten athletes broke down on its way to the Games.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Time for the Big Game
  Old Frank breaks down his pick for the game, as well as some prop bets ... the "action that surrounds the action."
  
• The Guerilla Report : The Best Fucking Sports Website Period
  Bud pulls Best Darn Wardrobe Malfunction ad. 24 promotes terror. The OC is the new Baywatch. Super funk for Super Bowl weekend.
  
• The Scientist : Guest Scientist: A True GS Warrior
  Shackled to a favorite team that can't quite seem to get over the hump. What do you do? You write a strongly worded letter.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 4 » 27 January 2005 » Your Enemies Read It

• GNEWS : 'Big Pimpin With Tagliabooty' Halftime Show Proposal Shot Down
  In his never-ending quest for additional limelight, and after hearing about the Lite FM halftime show the NFL had in place, rap impresario Sean "P. Diddy" Combs presented a last-minute pitch to step in and produce the Superbowl halftime show.
  
• GNEWS : GS Investigation: Nike Warrior Masks that Missed the Cut
  Before Nike launched its ad blitz showing off superstars wearing Warrior masks, they rejected many ideas that would-be mask wearers brought to the taping, including Ray Lewis' OJ mask and Ron Artest's Suge Knight mask. Our Special Investigation reveals all.
  
• GNEWS : Cold Taste or Hot Chicks? Beer Buyers Speak Out
  This newspaper is here to protect the consumer. So when we learned of beer sellers using cold taste instead of hot chicks to market their wares, we sent a correspondent to survey beer-drinkers about this vital issue. Here's our report.
  
• Fantasy Geek : The Usual Fantasy League Suspects
  You've seen one fantasy league, you've seen 'em all. Here's the list of personalities that make up your league, and every league.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : How To Order A Drink In A Crowded Bar
  You think the NFL competition on TV is intense? Try ordering a drink or getting your songs on the jukebox in a crowded bar.
  
• The Guerilla Report : All The Hype That's Fit To Type
  Pats/Eagles get media tips from Cliffhanger. Face Off trumps Alien vs. Predator. Hot girl/girl action on The OC. The Mighty Mos Def.
  
• The Scientist : Charlie Weis Isn't a Star?
  The Patriots are a team with no stars, right? The story of offensive Charlie Weis may prove otherwise.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 3 » 20 January 2005 » Cool As Ice

• GNEWS : Vikes Hire Fox's Nanny 911 to Deal with 'Naughty Boy' Randy Moss
  The infantile antics of Minnesota Viking receiver Randy Moss have frustrated the team and fans alike. To curb his childish outbursts, the team announced on Wednesday the retainer of a nanny from Fox's Nanny 911 to help with the unruly superstar.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Interview: Mondavi Shares Plans To Re-Grow Vintage 49ers
  New San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan, after being introduced Wednesday, immediately hired California wine mogul Robert Mondavi as his offensive coordinator. Mondavi sat with Guerilla Sports Thursday to give us, and the world, a taste of this unique blend of characters.
  
• GNEWS : Queer Eye's Carson Orders Hit on Russian Figure Skating Star
  The reality TV and figure skating worlds were rocked Wednesday as Italian officials uncovered a plot by Queer Eye For the Straight Guy personality Carson Kressley to assault the knee of his blond doppelgager, legendary Russian figure skating star Yevgeny Plushenko.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Coolness, Part 2
  Long before Malcolm Gladwell wrote Blink and The Tipping Point, he wrote the definitive rules on coolness. Let's review.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Making and Repeating History
  Only four teams remain and Frank sees something old, something new, nothing borrowed and feels he's due.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Final Four For Dubya, NFL
  More no huddle offense in Bush's final four. Red and blue clash in AFC, NFC finals. And Soul Mosaic, the final '04 album you missed.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 2 » 13 January 2005 » Blue Steel

• GNEWS : Leinart Can't Decide Where He'll Get More Chicks: USC or NFL
  USC's Matt Leinart has found that his toughest decision isn't whether or not to go pro, but figuring out whether he'll get more chicks by staying at USC his senior year or by leaving to join the NFL. Before Saturday's NFL deadline, Leinart mulls pros and coeds in a Guerilla Sports Interview.
  
• GNEWS : Yanks' Hair Policy Sends Big Unit's Follicles to EBay
  When Randy Johnson signed with the Yankees, many wondered how he'd react to the team's no facial hair policy. Would he fly his mullet in the smooth face of George Steinbrenner? Would his B-rated pornstache remain, sparking a resurgence of crumbcatchers among NYC's fashion set? The answers are finally coming.
  
• GNEWS : Gruden, Billick Forced To Give Up Genius Status
  With their teams on the outside of the playoffs looking in, Tampa Bay Buccaneer head coach Jon Gruden and Baltimore Ravens head coach Brian Billick were forced to relinquish their Genius Status on Wednesday. They will return their monikers to the American Society of Sports Genius Accreditation (ASSGA) immediately.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Hair of the Dog That Bit Ya'
  A pack of underdogs soiled Frank's picks last week, but the hair of the dog is the best tonic this week, soothsays the Chrotchey One.
  
• Field Notes : Chronic In My System
  Ian recalls burrito-less days in Chicago and tells the tale of a friend who airlifted a so-called Chronic burrito from San Diego to San Fran.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Don't Blink, Or You'll Miss The NFL's Tipping Point
  Will Leinhart Just Do It? Moss to be Buck'ed again. Pennington's Giambitis. ESPN's Tilt, Fox's 24, Gladwell's Blink. 2004's lost album.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Separation Anxiety
  Attention fantasy owners who owned Reggie Wayne and narrowly lost in their league's playoffs: Step Away From the Ledge.
  

Volume 3 - Issue 1 » 06 January 2005 » Put All Your Best Clients In It

• GNEWS : Good Old Boy Network Rallies Behind ex-49er Erickson
  When the San Francisco 49ers fired Dennis Erickson on Wednesday he wasn't the least bit concerned about finding another job. Erickson rested comfortably knowing that his associates in the Good Old Boy Network were already hard at work to secure him another undeserved head coaching position.
  
• GNEWS : Read To Achieve Program Raises NBA's Literacy Rate
  When the NBA instituted its Read to Achieve program, the goal was to help young fans of the game learn about the joys and rewards of readin. The program; however, has enjoyed success in ways never considered, raising the literacy rate of its own players by a surprising 25%.
  
• GNEWS : Defiant Fantasy Leaguer Picks Up Doug Christie
  To an inbox besieged with derisive, manhood-challenging emails, fantasy basketball player Craig Howard added infamously whipped Sacramento King Doug Christie to his roster from his league's free agent pool.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Dropping Science Like Galileo Dropped The Orange
  Orange Bowl, Alias recap. A sure shot Beastie Boys remix. Sonics drop Heat like they're hot. Orange mocha frappacinos all around.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Frank's NFL Playoff Primer
  The playoffs are here and Frank's got all the action lined up to score big this weekend.
  
• The Scientist : They Call Me The Noodler
  Sometimes you catch yourself with a finger on a button about to do something that could alter history.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 12 » 16 December 2004 » The Holidaze Issue

• GNEWS : Grinch Steals Second Base from Rickey Henderson
  Rickey Henderson alerted authorities late last night that Rickey was the victim of a burglary at Rickey's palacial home. Among Rickey's looted valuables was Rickey's prized second base, stolen from history and the Oakland Memorial Coliseum. Rickey's notes accuse The Grinch.
  
• GNEWS : Fox Sports Dumps I, Max for I, Romebot
  In a play to salvage defecting sports talk show viewers since losing Jim Rome to ESPN, Fox Sports renamed it's I, Max show to I, Romebot. Fox says the new name for Max Kellerman's show is the key to breaking through to Rome's millions of devout 'Clones'.
  
• GNEWS : Kobe, Mailman to Compete for Vanessa on Elimidate
  Kobe Bryant and Karl Malone will square off for the rights to Vanessa Bryant on the popular skank show Elimidate, show producers announced Wedndesday. Vanessa's affections were recently challenged when Malone, 41, propositioned her at a November game at Staples Center.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Gaming with the Geek: ESPN NBA2K5
  The Geek's gone console with a review of the top sports games. Check back daily for new titles from ESPN and EA Sports.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Pigskin Prognostications
  Grab the Daily Racing Form and join Frank as he offers his picks from the Men's John at the Fabulous Stardust Hotel.
  
• The Scientist : Pedro Has Left The Building
  Pedro Martinez is on his way to the Mets, and The Scientist waxes poetic about the Dominican Dandy.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 11 » 09 December 2004 » Toast in the Machine

• GNEWS : GNEWS Interview: Giambi's Parasite Spills Guts on Steroid Use
  Since Jason Giambi's federal grand jury testimony broke the BALCO steroid scandal to the national media, the source of the original leak has not been widely reported. Until now.
  
• GNEWS : NHL Labor Woes Chop Into Mullet Industry
  It’s December and North American hockey arenas remain silent. No slapshots. No slugfests. No registers ringing for ticket vendors and concessionaires. Worse yet, a GNEWS economic study just found that the NHL lockout has also cut the multimillion-dollar mullet industry down to size.
  
• GNEWS : Dick Vitale Named New Duke Information Minister
  ESPN basketball analyst Dick Vitale has long extolled the virtues of Duke University's hoops program and its coach, Mike Krzyzewski. Today the university removed all pretense of objectivity by installing him as Duke's new Information Minister.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : All About the Pros
  With the college kids sidelined until bowl time, Old Frank turns his attention to Sundays and his sure-fire NFL picks of the week.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Strictly by the Numbers
  Conventional wisdom says you can't win a fantasy league just by reading box scores. The Geek, however, is neither wise nor conventional.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Who Cut The Provolone?
  Kobe whines like Lebowski's nihilists. The Orange-colored Heisman Bowl. Antonio Banderas cologne. Greyboy's new mix tops gift list.
  
• Firecross : Left Coast Bluster
  The new take-countertake column debuts with a wry exchange on California sports.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 10 » 02 December 2004 » Tell a friend ... tell both your friends

• GNEWS : Undercover Brother Investigates Notre Dame's Operation Whitewash
  Just when African-American college coaches thought they had equal access to top jobs, the shadowy figure known only as 'The Man' showed his pale face, and dark power, while orchestrating the unwarranted dismissal of Notre Dame head football coach Tyrone Willingham.
  
• GNEWS : Congratulations Accepted for Missed Free Throw
  NBA players defied logic once again Wednesday by rewarding a badly missed free throw with a round of warm congratulations, marked by encouraging butt-pats as well as high- and low-fives.
  
• GNEWS : Mom Grounds McNabb: 'No More Hanging Around with That T.O.'
  Wilma McNabb, mother of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, has grounded her son for the rest of the season to prevent him from hanging out with wide receiver Terrell Owens and risk damaging his sterling reputation.
  
• Blasé Faire : No Fault Lines in San Andreas
  Take a trip back to South Central, gangsta-style. A reverie on the best PS2 game ever made, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Warm Weather In The Winter? Brilliant!
  Broncos vs. Chargers. Rich schools vs. good football teams. Talib Kweli's Beautiful Struggle. And ice cold Guinness. Brilliant!
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Anyone Got A Trained Monkey?
  Frank goes 7-2 last week, but can only grumble about the one that got away.
  
• Field Notes : News, Sports, Entertainment: It's All The Same To Me
  News has become just another form of opinion and entertainment. And this trend was started by ESPN's friend-to-athlete formula.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 9 » 25 November 2004 » The LoCal Thanksgiving Issue

• GNEWS : Deion Sanders Delivers 500 Jive Turkeys To The Needy
  Deion Sanders spread some holiday cheer - and some mild confusion - this Thanksgiving when he dropped off 500 'jive turkeys' to a foodbank for distribution to the needy.
  
• GNEWS : Ron Artest Features 'Quiet Riot' On New Album's 1st Single
  Following his full-season NBA suspension for touching off a player/fan riot in Detroit, Ron Artest announced today the release of his new rap album's first single, a collaboration with 1980's faux-metal band Quiet Riot.
  
• Field Notes : Don't You Worry, I Won't Let Baywatch Out of My Sight
  During last weekend's 48 Hour Baywatch marathon, Ian refreshed his encyclopedic knowledge of the show. Here's what he learned.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Chic to be Geek
  Fantasy Geeks Across America ... Fawning Over Skinny Men with Coke-Bottle Glasses
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Frank's Neckbone Special
  Forget about wings and thighs. For Frank, it's all about the neckbone. And his winning picks for the week.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 8 » 18 November 2004 » Must Not Sleep, Must Warn Others

• GNEWS : NASCAR Retires the Name 'Dale'
  In honor of fallen NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt, the race car circuit announced that no one affiliated with racing shall ever be called Dale again. The news comes on the eve of the final race of the 2004 season in Miami, where a newly renamed Buster Earnhardt, Jr. and Jerry Jarrett will take to the track.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Interview: Muppets Curmudgeons on Monday Night Football Controversy
  When Monday Night Football turned from game to promotional platform this week, we turned to trusted experts to help sort it all out.
  
• GNEWS : 'All Eyez on Me' Now Top Tattoo Among Pros
  After three years of unquestionable domination, ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ has given away its stranglehold on the title as the most popular tattoo among professional athletes.
  
• The Scientist : Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer
  High culture and sports link nicely under the direction of a NY Times writer and Bama football fan.
  
• The Guerilla Report : The Day The Music Died
  What Canadian pro football and Dave Matthews have in common. Tribute to Wu's O.D.B. New albums from Dre and Eminem.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Back to Respectability
  After going 7-3 with his picks this past weekend, Frank feels good about himself, and what he sees in this week's slate of games.
  
• Smog : Sunset Over the Southland
  Southland spundits rouse the rabble in an otherwise murky time of year. Angels, Lakers and the radio superstation that can't be beat.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 7 » 11 November 2004 » Legalize It

• GNEWS : GNEWS Investigation: College Athletes Given Special Treatment
  In a stunning indictment of intercollegiate sports, a 10-month GNEWS investigation reveals that student-athletes at major colleges and universities across the country are given preferential treament and the amateur sports they play can be linked conclusively to the flow of money.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Interview: Stuart Scott Raps About Life After ESPN
  After being voted out of ESPN during the penultimate episode of Dream Job, Stuart Scott started to cry. When the tears subsided, Scott sat down with Guerilla Sports to talk about his ordeal.
  
• GNEWS : Exclusive Music Review: Ron Artest's Debut Album The Artest of Time
  When Ron Artest came clean this week with his November priorities, basketball purists were outraged that he would put his rap album before Pacer success. But those people haven't heard his debut album.
  
• Field Notes : The Pharaoh of Sports And Pop Culture
  Ian explains why he cares more about the next obscure funk CD than Spurrier's next job. Always on point, always entertaining.
  
• Fantasy Geek : The All-Thug Fantasy Hoops Team
  The Geek's got a b-ball squad good enough to win most fantasy leagues - if his players can stay out of the clink.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Kings of the Stone Age
  New album imminent from Queens. Stone age behavior from Clarett and Artest. NASCAR/Phelps get swerve on. MLS Cup empty.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Can't Keep a Good Frank Down
  GS's resident prognosticator and curmudgeon comes back to lead readers to easy greenbacks this weekend.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 6 » 04 November 2004 » Final Four

• GNEWS : Ex-Raider Trades Jail for Face Off With Siegfried/Roy Tiger
  When former Oakland Raider kicker Cole Ford was arrested Tuesday night for his September drive-by shooting at the home of Siegfried and Roy, jail time seemed a certainty. Instead, he may be on the verge of reality TV stardom.
  
• GNEWS : Shaughnessy Brings Hex of Goatito to Chicago
  The Boston Red Sox have finally put the Curse of the Bambino to rest. But its creator, newspaper columnist Dan Shaughnessy, has already unleashed a new apparition on the Chicago Cubs.
  
• GNEWS : Tall, Unskilled White Man Makes NBA Team
  A Guerilla Sports special investigation has confirmed that a tall, extraordinarily unskilled white man once again made the roster of an NBA team this week. Fantasy leaguers beware.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Grab A Tums And Digest These Picks
  Old Frank waxes unpoetic on the election, Magnum PI, and the picks that'll get him back on track this weekend.
  
• The Guerilla Report : America's Twins Have Spoken
  Coors Twins, 4-hour erections replace wolves & eagles. T-wolves and Eagles take center stage. True hip hop from Lateef & The Chief.
  
• Field Notes : This Is ... A Show About SportsCenter
  Non-reality TV daydreams. Before execs acted like Apprentices, sportscasters like gangsters. When Cornholio defied all threats.
  
• Blasé Faire : Eight Miles from the Championship
  Grab a gondola on the canal of denial. Left coast wanderer Aaron Singleton eschews talk of a Laker demise.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 5 » 28 October 2004 » Pardon Our Dust

• GNEWS : Grand Moff Tarkin Returns, Seizes Control of NHL
  Mired in labor talks, the NHL was rocked yesterday as legendary Star Wars strongman Grand Moff Tarkin swept in as league commissioner, brazenly supplanting previous commissioner Gary Bettman in a dramatic regime change.
  
• GNEWS : Yanks Trade A-Rod For Budweiser's Leon
  Yankees owner George Steinbrenner once again defied convention and logic Thursday when he traded superstar third baseman Alex Rodriguez to Budweiser for their ubiquitous commercial pitchman, known simply as Leon.
  
• GNEWS : GNEWS Interview: Rick Fox 'Makes Love'
  Since divorcing actress Vanessa Williams and retiring from a post-Shaq Lakers team, the veteran forward concentrates his efforts on making love. GS caught up with him at his Bahamian villa.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Bigger Than Jesus & Bigger Than Baseball
  Shilling God with Curt and Creed. Soccer book Fever Pitch becomes Red Sox movie. Revisiting old Atmosphere EPs. Voting Bush out.
  
• Fantasy Geek : Ode to the F5 Key
  Keep stroking it, says The Geek in his first musing. If you only learn one keystroke, learn F5, and 'refresh' your way to Fantasy glory.
  
• Smog : The SoCal Sports Media Blog
  From Baja to the Arcadian Rockies, up and down the best coast, this is your Southern California sports media watchdog.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Frank's Back in the Saddle
  Relax, Junior, Filthy Frank and his Crew return to give you the best bets for this weekend in college and pro football.
  
  

Volume 2 - Issue 4 » 18 December 2003 » Procrasti-Nation

• GNEWS : Beavis and Collinsworth to Debut on Fox Sports
  Fox Sports announced plans for "Beavis and Collinsworth," a football highlights show. They will analyze the NFL, the latest hard rock videos, and go on ill-fated adventures to score chicks.
  
• GNEWS : Royals Counting on MegaBucks to Bolster Roster
  The KC Royals dispatched scouts and personnel to Las Vegas to play the $70 million Megabucks slots to secure funds to retain free agents and acquire more depth.
  
• Blasé Faire : All Lakers on the Western Front
  Aaron's Fantasy team, the Venice Urbans, are all Lakers. Suicide? Maybe. But it sure was fun building the team. Here's how it went.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Frank Goes Global
  Frank has a run in with a foreigner seeking investment from him and his sportsbook cronies. Frank shows this emailer who's boss.
  
• The Guerilla Report : The Chépe of Things To Come
  Besides Elijah Wood, LOTR is strong. Bowl game overview. Favre overcomes father's death. SI curses Manning. A-Rod deal dead.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : War Pigs And The Power Of Paranoia
  Black Sabbath's War Pigs is probably more relevant now than it was when released. Thanks to war pig George W (pictured here).
  
• The Scientist : Born to Ball
  The Scientist reviews Born To Ball, an underground hoops video which shows what your favorite players were like pre-NBA.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 3 » 11 December 2003 » Number One in B(C)S

• GNEWS : Florida State to Offer PlayStation2 Degree
  Florida State University announced plans to allow its football players to concentrate their studies on Sony's popular video game PlayStation2.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Take Frank to the Bank
  We're getting down to the wire in the NFL. So listen up junior if you don't want to lose your shirt this week.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Rhetoric Is Upgraded To Trash Talk
  Heisman selection is just as bad as BCS rankings. Bad Boys II breaks the Affleck curse on Bruckheimer movies. Mayorga v. Spinks preview.
  
• The Scientist : The Science of Slacking: Top Slacking Movies
  The Scientist shows why movies like Zoolander, PCU, Heat, Roadhouse, and others form the core elements of your slacking equation.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Wild Cards
  Ian Walter has aligned his holiday card writing aspirations to his Denver Broncos playoff aspirations. Will it actually happen?
  

Volume 2 - Issue 2 » 04 December 2003 » Tonight We’re On The Loose

• GNEWS : USC Song Girls Simply Too Hot To Be Called Cheerleaders
  With their football team atop the BCS hunt for a national championship, the USC Song Girls launched a media offensive to clarify, once and for all, that they are simply too hot to be considered cheerleaders.
  
• GNEWS : Kings Center Divac Enjoying His Retirement
  While most players are charging hard into the new NBA season, Sacramento Kings center Vlade Divac is keeping his cool since retiring long before this season started.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : 'Twas The Night Of The Office Christmas Party
  Prose that flows like a garden hose through the nose of those who know the show that goes when attending an office party that blows.
  
• Blasé Faire : Mind the Gap
  Traveling is Aaron's favorite sport. Here's some tales from the UK.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Books And Tape
  Raiders dumbed down. New books from Barry Sanders and Lawrence Taylor. NFL grabs new logo from Microsoft clip art.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Hitting the Home Stretch
  When a kid knows the Corn Chip Bowl is out, he may not play hard. So college bets are hard. But we're still the best chance you've got.
  
• The Scientist : Who Are the Toughest Athletes?
  Hockey players are the most bad ass. Soccer players are pussies. And all sports in between.
  

Volume 2 - Issue 1 » 13 November 2003 » Fermented in the Bottle

• GNEWS : Grizzlies GM West Signs Free Agent Teen Wolf
  NBA top brass Jerry West made his boldest-ever personnel move by signing free agent point guard Teen Wolf to a 10-day contract with the Memphis Grizzlies.
  
• GNEWS : Bureau of Engraving Unveils Gammons $20 Note
  To promote the new $20 note, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving announced a limited release $20 with baseball analyst and Andrew Jackson twin Peter Gammons.
  
• The Scientist : I Hate The Lakers
  I have hated the Lakers ever since I learned how to hate other sports teams (I think I was 5). Nothing's changed, nothing will.
  
• Blasé Faire : The Ghost Of Gary Pettis
  Any 80s baseball knows Gary Pettis. But if not, here's why he haunts me. From his living room to Anaheim stadium's bathroom.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Party Alchemy And Other Smart Tips
  Throwing a party? Using Evite is your first mistake. So read this before you play another Pottery Barn CD, and scare off your guests.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Dropping Subversive Culture
  Broncos' Anderson smoking dope. Chicago Fire vs. San Jose Earthquakes. Pearl Jam rarities and Bay Area Funk from Ubiquity released.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Broads, Booze And Gambling
  This week's picks are gonna send us home with both the broads and a pillowcase full of greenbacks. Time to place your bets.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 12 » 06 November 2003 » Razor Sharp Wit

• GNEWS : NY/NJ MetroStars Change Name To MetroSexuals
  MetroStars Change Name To MetroSexuals in order to attract more NYC fans. Home game promotions include Spa Night and Make Over Man-ness.
  
• GNEWS : Bill Walton's Voice Proves Effective On Soap Scum
  Dow Chemical proves hoops analyst Bill Walton's abrasive voice is better at removing household soap scum and mildew than Tilex or Comet.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Matrix Critics Are Deluded Fools
  GR this week diverges from broad coverage to cover a single topic: The Matrix. And the media conspiracy facing the franchise.
  
• The Scientist : Vegas Sports Book Review
  You'll never get into Filthy Frank's SportsBook, so don't even try. Instead, here's some Vegas books for you to check when you're in town.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Riding The Hot Streak
  Frank is on fire, following a recent 9-of-10 week with 8-of-10 this week. And with that, here's the Perfect 10 Picks of The Week.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Pucker Up: It's Review Season At Work
  It’s review season at work. Ian's soul retreats as he kisses ass only to be told there's no raises this year.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 11 » 30 October 2003 » Lobbing Pumpkins

• GNEWS : Confucius Hoping For Shout Out From Yao Ming
  In a rare display of Earthly desire, Confucius expressed his sincere hope that basketball star Yao Ming would soon give him a shout out.
  
• GNEWS : Yankees Fall to Curse of Luis Gonzalez?
  Arizona Diamondback Luis Gonzalez cursed the Yankees back in 2001, and prevented them from winning the World Series.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Round And Round
  NBA West over East as usual. Major Leage Soccer has parity. Halloween costume ideas. A new Hunter Thompson book.
  
• Blasé Faire : The Blase Manifesto
  Haters hate if you want to. Drink the drama. But know this: the Los Angeles Lakers will win the 2003-04 NBA Championship.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Nine Outta Ten Aint Bad
  If you followed Frank's advice last week, you had a solid payday. Now pay attention, cause here come this week's picks.
  
• The Scientist : The NBA All Nasty Team
  The worst of the NBA, including Popeye Jones, Greg Foster, the New York Knicks, Tracy Murray, Rick Fox and Greg Ostertag.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 10 » 23 October 2003 » Like A Rainbow In The Dark

• GNEWS : IRS Grants Shaq Residency in Key
  The Diesel starts receiving his Good Housekeeping in the paint. There goes the neighborhood.
  
• GNEWS : POLL: Fans Tire of McCarver Analysis
  World Series viewers voted resoundingly to silence game analyst Tim McCarver in the Sprint Virtual Manager game.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Coolness, Part 1
  To be overly competitive is uncool. To not be on a quest to prove anything is cool. And so the philosophy begins.
  
• Blasé Faire : Bronze The Golden Dome
  I'm no Trojan bandwagonner. But I did go to IN to watch them and the Song Girls against Norte Dame. Here's the story.
  
• The Scientist : Killed By Bill
  ESPN wrongly fired Gregg Easterbrook, author of Tuesday Morning Quarterback because he criticized parent corp. Disney.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Time To Play The Ponies
  The Breeder's Cup this weekend is big business for Frank and the fellas. Tune in, place bets, make money.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Lose Daylight, Gain Nightlife
  MLS playoff preview. Rumsfeld promises "long, hard slog" in Iraq. From London: Office, 2nd season & 28 Days Later. Boozing tips.
  
• Competitive Chronicles :
  
  

Volume 1 - Issue 9 » 16 October 2003 » Surf, Interrupted

• GNEWS : Forest Service Replenishes Al Michaels' Head
  The U.S. Forest Service said that a program to reforest ABC Monday Night Football's Al Michaels dangerously bald head was a complete success.
  
• GNEWS : Rashad Despondent Over Jordan's Retirement
  With the NBA season drawing closer, broadcasterAhmad Rashad's delusions about being friends with Michael Jordan grow more intense.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Thinking Man's Guide To The Lunch Line
  Competition is most intense when you're hungry. It's kill or be killed in the Hunan Hut lunch line. Ian Walter is taking no prisoners.
  
• The Guerilla Report : It Coats While It Soothes
  Dusty Baker over uses Mark Prior. Kobe's defense better than ever. Anna Kournikova passes out kudos. Reloaded DVD.
  
• The Scientist : Weekend at Zimmie's and Other Notes
  Don Zimmer must have been the model for Weekend At Bernies. Also Steve Bartman, Nomar, and a cold welcome for Cold Pizza.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Leave College For The Kids
  The slaughter continues in the sports book. So this week, we're increasing the weight of NFL teams in our top 10 picks.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 8 » 09 October 2003 » Get Your Ass To Mars

• GNEWS : Fluff Leaves PGA to Caddie on Golden Tee
  Mike "Fluff" Cowan, one-time Tiger Woods caddie, said he'd leave the PGA tour to caddie on the underground Golden Tee circuit.
  
• GNEWS : Scientists Successfully Clone Sports Anchor
  Clonaid has released Trey Bermascott, a sports-anchor prototype that cost networks a fraction of wise-cracking humans. Boo-yeah.
  
• GNEWS : Kansas's Self Reneges on Motel 6 Commitment
  Kansas hoops coach Bill Self opted for a Holiday Inn stay after he'd already checked into a Motel 6 in Florida.
  
• The Guerilla Report : 1-Liners and Tigers and Bears, Oh My
  Arnold's political 1-liners. Roy mauled by tiger. Bear Cubs claw into NLCS. Oh my. Also new music from Lyrics Born and Galactic.
  
• The Scientist : Theo: The Silent Assassin
  Theo Epstein, the one-time press boy for the Padres has emerged as one baseball's great GMs. Is it enough for the Red Sox?
  
• Blasé Faire : A One-Sided Rivalry
  The NorCal, SoCal battle rages. Supposedly. The Trojans and Lakers thrive while the Golden Bears and Warriors slog. Now and always.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : A Change In Strategy
  Frank's flared up prostate is a walk in the park compared to his losses in the sports book. Time to change strategy for this week's picks.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Why Did Arnold Win?
  Arnold won the recall election because people know him. And who knows the media machine better than the world's biggest movie star?
  

Volume 1 - Issue 7 » 02 October 2003 » La Ola Es Mia

• GNEWS : Gordon Grows Mullet to Earn NASCAR 'Pit Cred'
  NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon, still strugglling to earn respect among hardcore fans, grew a mullet with the help of a Paul Mitchell styling team.
  
• GNEWS : Beckham Pedicure Mishap Threatens Cup Play
  Real Madrid star David Beckham injured his foot in a pedicure soaking tub after claiming he saw Man U Coach Alex Ferguson in the water.
  
• GNEWS : Shockey Strip Clubbing Gentrifies The Bronx
  New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey spends so much cash on Van Ryan Street, the area is becomming a yuppie hot spot.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Bringing You On Into The Circle Of Power
  Soundgarden wisdom for Limbaugh. Yankees and Sox are still alive. School of Rock in theaters. New Lyrics Born LP in stores.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Limbaugh Violated Three Competitive Rules
  Rush Limbaugh didn't quit ESPN. He got fired. He's thought the rules of competition didn't apply to him. Thankfully, he thought wrong.
  
• The Scientist : The October Alarm Clock
  It's October which means the Red Sox will choke. Like Boston said, its More Than A Feeling. It's the truth. But I still have hope.
  
• Blasé Faire : A One-Sided Rivalry
  The NorCal, SoCal battle rages. Supposedly. The Trojans and Lakers thrive while the Golden Bears and Warriors slog. Now and always.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Gunning For A Perfect Week
  This season has had more twists and turns than a limbo contest in a nudist colony. We're .500 on picks last week, so let's do it again.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 6 » 25 September 2003 » Curriculum Thursdae

• GNEWS : Hall of Fame Considers Toilet Logo for Clemens Cap
  A Boston Red Sox and Toronto Blue Jays coalition proposed a toilet logo cap to mark Roger Clemens' imminent Hall of Fame induction.
  
• GNEWS : Study Aims to Pinpoint Origins of Davis Cup
  Princeton and Harvard scientists aim to find the origins of the Davis Cup, a tennis tourney with seemingly no beginning or end.
  
• GNEWS : Raiders Sign Sea Lion, Introduce I.V. Lard Drips
  Raiders sign Chuppy from Sea World at tackle, and lard IV drips for their linemen. Callahan hopes to be like fat but winning teams past.
  
• Blasé Faire : No Touch, Ref, No Touch
  The Swatch-FIVB Nissan Grand Slam is more proof that fledgling sports will do anything to get money and recognition.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : There Ain't No Crying in the Sports Book
  Expect the house to win cause if you cry in my sports book, I'll give you something to cry about. Now let's get to our picks for the week.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Everybody Loves A Champion
  DMX releases grand champ. Giants, Yankees, As, Twins clinch divisions. Rosario Dawson, The Rock make Rundown a box office champ.
  
• The Scientist : Rickey Henderson: A Tribute In His Own Words
  I salute LA Dodger Rickey Henderson for knowing that Rickey was all Rickey could be, but no less than Rickey could have ever been.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : My Dealer's A Tool, But He Always Has Killer Bud
  My dealer's a dork, so my game is to see how fast quickly I can pick up my dope and be on my way without damaging the connection.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 5 » 18 September 2003 » That's Real Journalism

• GNEWS : Garnett Beats Stockton In 2003 NBA Entourage Challenge
  A recap of the multi-event NBA Entourage Challenge where Kevin Garnett's crew, The Official Block Family, edged out John Stockton's crew, John Stockton's Friends.
  
• GNEWS : Red Sox Bullpen Dubbed New Rally Monkeys
  Anaheim Angels trade the rights to their Rally Monkey to the Boston Red Sox starting pitching staff, who will use the name to describe its beleaguered bullpen.
  
• GNEWS : Lions Announce Hiring Of African-American CPA
  Hiring Italian Steve Marriucci didn't count as a minoirty hire, so the Lions hired African American Fred Smith in to keep the books.
  
• Blasé Faire : On the Bored Walk
  A look at Venice Beach transportation. From the Z-Boys skating through Dogtown to the rollerblades that only chicks shold wear.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Boxing, Art and Science
  Anyone betting on De La Hoya vs. Sugar Shane Mosley should wear lollipop wrappers on their heads, cause they're suckers.
  
• The Scientist : The Laughable Oakland Raiders
  A look at the most annoying team in football. Their wanna-be hard-ass fans. And Al Davis, dressing for the job he wants: Soprano's victim.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Soccer Babes Truck, Sideline Babes Suck
  WUSA folds. But MetroStars Tim Howard keeps U.S. soccer alive. Lisa Guerrero blows. Broncos coach lies. Clooney and Co. on HBO.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Recalling The Recall of The Recall
  Can Arnold really run CA, or is he just a pawn in a larger game like his character Quaid was in Total Recall?
  

Volume 1 - Issue 4 » 11 September 2003 » Total Consciousness

• GNEWS : Parcells Waistline A Big Hit At Fashion Week
  Parcells accidentally took a Fashion Week catwalk in NYC, sending Gucci, Prada, Armani scrambling to work his high waistline into Spring lines.
  
• GNEWS : McCain Introduces Bill to Ban Arli$$
  Senator John McCain relieves sports lovers everywhere by eliminating re-runs of the cancelled HBO show Arliss.
  
• GNEWS : Straight Guy Transfixed By Locker Room Timbersports Broadcast
  Tim is straight, so he relentlessly studies the ESPN2 Lumberjack-Off to avoid seeing nude men in the locker room.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : My Rock Station Can Kick Your Rock Station's Ass
  For those about to rock, don't let your station dilute you. If you want to bang heads, turn down that soft-ass Alt crap and listen up.
  
• Blasé Faire : From The Sublime To The Municipal
  Smoking some green and hitting the public greens. All in a day's shirk for Aaron Singleton.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Pop Tarts and a Wad of Cabbage
  Britney Spears opens NFL season. Hooker routine aside, we can now hedge our college bets with predictable pros.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Big Cities, Big Events and Old Style Beer
  Remembering 9/11. Soccer World Cup qualifying begins. Cubs and Sox pursue World Series. Dazed and Confused sequel imminent.
  
• The Scientist : Two Years Ago In September
  The Scientist recounts the events of 9/11/01 from his home in Manhattan. No politics. Just the reality of human loss.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 3 » 04 September 2003 » Beats Working

• GNEWS : NFL To Charge Home Viewers For Seat Licenses
  NFL's Tagliabue announced plans to collect personal seat license fees from viewers that watch NFL games on TV from home.
  
• GNEWS : Pool Player Annoys Friends with Pre-Shot Ritual
  Avid but below-average pool player employed elaborate yet ineffectual pre-shot ritual that annoyed friends and made onlookers cringe.
  
• GNEWS : AFC Rivals Relieved as Dolphins' Wannstedt Returns
  NFL's AFC teams relieved that the talent-laden Miami Dolphins would retain Dave Wannstedt as their head coach.
  
• Blasé Faire : The St. Louis Rams Do Not Exist
  Gather around for the seance of St. Louis Rams disavowal. They do not exist, I say. Open your mind. Om mane padme hum.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Time to Play the Ponies
  The crew is ready to bank on the Breeders Cup and take back that cabbage the book's been borrowing this tough football season.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
  Before we can say Abacab, swarming defenses create a Land of Confusion for Manning and Stewart. Phil Collins ushers in the NFL.
  
• The Scientist : Elements of Slacking: Fast Food
  When I talk about food, I don't mention Bobby Flay, Emeril or Wolfgang Puck. When I talk food, I'm talkin' deep-fried, super-sized and to-go.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Lessons From A Mediocre Lap Dance
  Vegas is all about balancing what you have and what you can get. Ian Walter balances strippers on his lap to prove the point.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 2 » 28 August 2003 » Same Same, But Different

• GNEWS : Philly Schools to Teach Booing in 1st Grade
  School District of Philadelphia announced plans to introduce booing into first grade curricula at city elementary schools.
  
• GNEWS : Football Analysts Panic Over USA Today Hiatus
  ABC analyst will call in sick, saying there's no way he can get through an entire day's broadcast without cribbing notes from USA TODAY.
  
• GNEWS : Spurrier's NFL Move Ruins Gator Fan's Sex Life
  Edwards constantly thinks about what could have been had Spurrier not left the University of Florida for the NFL's Washington Redskins.
  
• Blasé Faire : How Was the Game?
  Bohemia style beer, back rubs from the Hilton sisters and tales of the Tribeca Grand replace persiflage about Dodger game stats.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : College Football is Back
  Time for college football. Watching the State U game with some doll, betting slip in one hand, the other getting swatted away from her caboose.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Achieve TV-Watching Zen
  Martin Luther King has a dream. Barry mourns Bobby Bonds. Hendrix voted best all time. Jane's Addiction ushers out summer.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : Fairly Balanced
  If the Daily Show is the political left, then Fear Factor represents the right. Ian covers Fox News vs. Al Franken.
  
• The Scientist : Baseball in White and Black
  Here's the case for why the Padres' trade for Giles is a useless move for a useless team whose spends postseason in PB, not Petco.
  

Volume 1 - Issue 1 » 21 August 2003 » Warning Track Power

• GNEWS : Rose Bets $50,000 On Baseball Reinstatement
  With a fresh round of publicity putting wind in his sails, Pete Rose placed a $50,000 bet Wednesday at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
  
• GNEWS : Textbook Jump Shot Made In Rucker Park Game
  Rucker Park was shocked when John Timmons made a 14-foot bank shot. Nike and And1 reps were appalled, fundamentals don't sell shoes.
  
• GNEWS : Falcons Hire Mr. Miyagi as Team Trainer
  Kobra Kai bullies and NFC teams cower with Mr. Miyagi in Atlanta. Soon Vick-san get healthy again and Falcon team show league who's boss.
  
• Competitive Chronicles : This Goes Way Beyond Sports
  People are competitive about everything from drinking to music to working to politics. Don't think so? Then you've already lost.
  
• Blasé Faire : Whatever, Dude. Never Heard of It.
  Oh, so you're a sports agent, and your wife's a legal analyst for ESPN? Good for you. You've got the latest on Kobe's trial? Whatever.Never heard of it.
  
• The Guerilla Report : Media Resurrection
  Guerilla Sports will singlehandedly revive the insipid media landscape. The Guerilla Report leads the way as your guide to the week.
  
• The Scientist : The Question: Why Do We Care?
  Why do we give a fvck about sports? The Scientist looks at whether it's the sport itself or the pizza and skirt chasing that's more important.
  
• Filthy Frank's Sportsbook : Frank and the Fellas
  Meet veteran sports book owner Filthy Frank. Him and his crew will guide you through all the bets that matter from week to week.