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Volume 5 - Issue 8 » 15 September 2005

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GNEWS » BASKETBALL
Stern Unveils Dick Bavettabot to Save Pistons, Extend NBA Finals
Seeking to ensure his low-rated Finals series goes the distance, NBA Commissioner David Stern unveiled the new Dick Bavettabot, a miniature NBA referee programmed to make bad calls that ensure a seventh game. ... more
Iverson's New Reality Show: The Posse Apprentice
Now that his basketball season is over, Philadelphia hoopster Allen Iverson has announced plans to launch his own reality show, a contest where 'thug smart' and 'club smart' contestants attempt to become a member of his posse, Cru Thik. ... more
LeBron Agent Change Signals Onset of Piss-Poor Rap Albums
Now that LeBron James has terminated his agents Aaron and Eric Goodwin, he must wait at least 15 days before hiring new representation. But how long will fans be safe from King James' inevitable foray into crappy rap albums? ... more
Kuato Van Gundy Emerges, Moves for Total Recall of Stern
Free your mind, David Stern. Or so says a mutant known as Kuato (last seen in the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle, Total Recall). Kuato, it is being reported, is the third Van Gundy brother, and leader of a rebellion dead set on bringing decent officiating to the playoffs. ... more
IRS Grants Shaq Residency in Key
The Internal Revenue Service confirmed Wednesday that Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal has successfully claimed The Key on the basketball court as his primary residence on his 2004 tax return ... more
GNEWS Exclusive: WNBA Opens Draft To Any Woman Who's 'A Player'
In it's struggle for marketability, the WNBA changed the draft policy to allow non-basketball players into Saturday's draft. From Martha Stewart to Angelina Jolie, here's our Mock Draft to predict how things will play out. ... more
NBA Players Glad Long Preseason Is Drawing to a Close
Now that the 82 game post preseason is coming to an end, NBA players are putting aside the stamps they used to mail in games and are focusing for games that finally count. ... more
Lakers Leave Season Early, Beat Traffic
Emulating their arrive-late, leave-early fans, the Los Angeles Lakers left the 2004-05 season early Thursday, beating the traffic by departing Staples Center during a third-quarter timeout in their game against the Houston Rockets. ... more
GS Exclusive: Terms of Kobe Settlement Revealed
Kobe Bryant and his Colorado accuser came to a settlement this week, ending a two-year fiasco that lined the pockets of many eager Jacobies. The Smoking Guerilla Exclusive reveals the 10 most critical terms of the deal. ... more
Shawn Kemp Living in Constant Fear of No Child Left Behind Act
Former NBA star Shawn Kemp has gone into hiding after mistakenly believing that George Bush's No Child Left Behind Act was legislation designed to chase down deadbeat dads. ... more
Stradivari Raised From Dead to Play Knicks' Thomas
When New York Knicks GM Isaiah Thomas visited Europe to find the next marshmallow-soft Euro to warm the end of his team's bench, he thought the brutal New York press corps couldn't play him from there. Thomas, for the 10,000th time in his off-court career, was dead wrong. ... more
Read To Achieve Program Raises NBA's Literacy Rate
When the NBA instituted its Read to Achieve program, the goal was to help young fans of the game learn about the joys and rewards of readin. The program; however, has enjoyed success in ways never considered, raising the literacy rate of its own players by a surprising 25%. ... more
Kobe, Mailman to Compete for Vanessa on Elimidate
Kobe Bryant and Karl Malone will square off for the rights to Vanessa Bryant on the popular skank show Elimidate, show producers announced Wedndesday. Vanessa's affections were recently challenged when Malone, 41, propositioned her at a November game at Staples Center. ... more
Congratulations Accepted for Missed Free Throw
NBA players defied logic once again Wednesday by rewarding a badly missed free throw with a round of warm congratulations, marked by encouraging butt-pats as well as high- and low-fives. ... more
Ron Artest Features 'Quiet Riot' On New Album's 1st Single
Following his full-season NBA suspension for touching off a player/fan riot in Detroit, Ron Artest announced today the release of his new rap album's first single, a collaboration with 1980's faux-metal band Quiet Riot. ... more
Exclusive Music Review: Ron Artest's Debut Album The Artest of Time
When Ron Artest came clean this week with his November priorities, basketball purists were outraged that he would put his rap album before Pacer success. But those people haven't heard his debut album. ... more
Tall, Unskilled White Man Makes NBA Team
A Guerilla Sports special investigation has confirmed that a tall, extraordinarily unskilled white man once again made the roster of an NBA team this week. Fantasy leaguers beware. ... more
GNEWS Interview: Rick Fox 'Makes Love'
Since divorcing actress Vanessa Williams and retiring from a post-Shaq Lakers team, the veteran forward concentrates his efforts on making love. GS caught up with him at his Bahamian villa. ... more
Kings Center Divac Enjoying His Retirement
While most players are charging hard into the new NBA season, Sacramento Kings center Vlade Divac is keeping his cool since retiring long before this season started. ... more
Grizzlies GM West Signs Free Agent Teen Wolf
NBA top brass Jerry West made his boldest-ever personnel move by signing free agent point guard Teen Wolf to a 10-day contract with the Memphis Grizzlies. ... more
Confucius Hoping For Shout Out From Yao Ming
In a rare display of Earthly desire, Confucius expressed his sincere hope that basketball star Yao Ming would soon give him a shout out. ... more
IRS Grants Shaq Residency in Key
The Diesel starts receiving his Good Housekeeping in the paint. There goes the neighborhood. ... more
Rashad Despondent Over Jordan's Retirement
With the NBA season drawing closer, broadcasterAhmad Rashad's delusions about being friends with Michael Jordan grow more intense. ... more
Garnett Beats Stockton In 2003 NBA Entourage Challenge
A recap of the multi-event NBA Entourage Challenge where Kevin Garnett's crew, The Official Block Family, edged out John Stockton's crew, John Stockton's Friends. ... more
Textbook Jump Shot Made In Rucker Park Game
Rucker Park was shocked when John Timmons made a 14-foot bank shot. Nike and And1 reps were appalled, fundamentals don't sell shoes. ... more
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